Major problems (but like literally my major).

So I can’t wait to go back home this weekend, I am so excited it’s ridiculous! Like honestly, ridiculous. I called my friend last night and was giddy! Except I wish I was going to stay there longer. I’ll get there on Thursday night around midnight, then have all day Friday, all day Saturday, and then I’ll drive home around noon on Sunday. And honestly, I miss my old life, and two days at home won’t really be enough time to get back into it, which I guess just means I can get even more excited for Thanksgiving break.

For some reason this has been a bad missing home week. The first two or three weeks were awful, and then I was fine, but now it’s coming back. Last night I listened to my favorite song from last year, one that I played every night on my way home from work, Bold as Love, by Jimi Hendrix, and started crying! How pathetic is that?!

I think I might cry the first time I see my parents, when I come in the driveway and walk in the door of my house. Or drive home down Riverside Drive, my favorite road in the entire world; one that I spent driving eleven miles down twice a day, and sometimes more, on my way to school. When I see my cats or pull up to see my neighbors waving next door, I’m going to be a mess, because I miss them so much. I’ll want to cry when I see my two best friends, but I won’t let them see that or know at all.

I miss all the weird things, like my job, which was from 5:30PM to 11:00PM on school nights, of clearing and cleaning food off peoples’ tables. That was something I used to hate going to. Or the other day I thought about the bathrooms at my high school, and how they were like my second bathroom, I had been in the same ones for six years. I changed there for work, put on makeup there before school, changed there after school, escaped from my classes, washed my face, sometimes brushed my teeth, I’d even straightened my hair in there. I miss the long, twenty-five minute, drive to all my friends and my school. I miss the “Five points” intersection (which I’ve driven through red lights there numerous times, because there are too many lights to know which one’s yours). I miss staying out with my friends until two o’clock in the morning and then getting a angry calls from my parents. That’s weird because I have the complete ability to stay out until four and no one would know or care.

I’ve thought about transferring a lot, a lot, a lot. The only reason I came out here was because I was too stubborn to go to an in-state school. Between my own mentality and my little private school, who preached us on going out into the real world and throwing ourselves out of our comfort zone, I randomly ended up here. My parents wanted me to apply to OSU, which is about a thirty/forty minute drive from my house, but about a ten minute one from my high school. I didn’t like the campus at all, it’s spread randomly throughout the city, it’s sketchy, and it’s huge, but I think my parents thought I didn’t want to go there only because I wanted to get away from them. Now I would almost go back there in a heartbeat.

Then there was Miami of Ohio, my parents’ top choice, but it was a small preppy school filled with boys in plaid shorts and pink polos. I hated it, more like despised it, and refused to go, and I thought it was too much like my high school. My two best friends from my sophomore year go there, and I was convinced that I needed to be completely removed from everything that had to do with home, also. So I argued and finally got out of it, but now if I could just pack up my stuff and walk into their classes I would. Plus one of my really great friends went to school there, and he’s not the preppy type of person at all, and he loves it. And actually loves it, not just the “love” that I or we (I’m assuming one you has said it) tell the random people that ask us about college on our facebook walls.

I’m too embarrassed to tell my parents, or anyone I want to transfer. Especially at my old high school, we’re a family and everyone would know. There would be rumors and everything about how “Oh my gosh, Maggie couldn’t be away from her family, Maggie couldn’t stand being at a big public school, Maggie couldn’t make friends,” and I’m not exaggerating. Transferring back home, is like coming back pregnant practically, it’s like you failed in the “real world.”

I just haven’t found a group of people, or really any one person, that I’m really compatible with. No one here is a lot like my friends back home or finds the same things funny that I do or has the same sort of style or just isn’t always freaking out about school all the time. Haha, the other thing to is I feel like every single person here is at least as smart, and most definitely smarter than me, and it drives me nuts! I’m all for ignoring others, but sometimes the comments people make about how many credit hours I’m taking, or “seriously? You find this stuff hard? I didn’t even study,” is making me crazy, because it happens consistently. Which is starting to tear me down a little bit.

There are two people down here who I’ve actually become close with, and I like being around a lot. One of them, though, is from my hometown. We didn’t know each other before I got here, but it’s weird to think that I traveled all the way down here to find someone who lived ten minutes away from me my whole life. And the other person is my roommate, and I adore her! We’ve become so close and we’re a lot a like, and we laugh at the same stuff, but we can’t find anyone else we like or seems to like us. It’s really just her and I. Plus, the real downer is that she’s transferring to Penn State next semester. Well, she isn’t sure yet, completely, but she said she is ninety percent sure. She’s been accepted and she’s extensively talked to her parents about it. It might be that she’s transferring that I want to leave. Plus, since we agree so much, there’s no one telling us not to do and why.

So I can’t decide at all, obviously. I want to make a stand that I’m fine out here, but I’m really not. I feel like I don’t have a lot of time to do anything, my two best friends joined club lacrosse, and I could not even imagine having the time to do that, so I’m jealous. I think changing my major will help, but I haven’t even brought that up to my parents and I’m kind of ashamed. My dad always talks about how proud he is that I’m a chemistry major, and how smart and determined that makes me. It makes me feel like any other major (besides engineering) is easier and for unintelligent people.

I originally thought I wanted to go to medical school, to save people, because I loveeeee people. I love helping them, talking to them, being their friend, making them feel special, and keeping them healthy, but I think I need to find another way to do it. All this chemistry and biology stuff is depressing and not me. I always took art and English classes, and when I could pick my science classes I chose fun ones like weather and forensics, so I DON’T KNOW. I can’t decide if I should change my major (or is that chickening out and giving up?) and wait it out here another year, or if I should start filling out transfer applications, which will be due in December. I’m really just looking for people I can have lots of fun with, and maybe I’m just most compatible with the people in my hometown.